Waves of pain rippled through my body. It was worse than I imagined. What was I thinking, getting pregnant? It was destined to end in pain.
To be fair, my birth plan involved drugs and a sterile hospital. I hadn’t anticipated giving birth during a Finnair flight.
Would my baby be American or Finnish?
The stewardess returns with a rabbi, and a priest. It is the start of a bad joke. Unfortunately, the joke is on me.
“Mary, the stewardess is back.” Jack says in a soothing tone.
“I’m in labor, not blind.” I hiss. I turn to the new arrivals wondering if either has drugs on them. I sure as heck need morphine.
I ride another wave of pain.
“That was a long one.” Jack has been timing my contractions.
“Have either of you delivered a baby?” I ask the men of God.
“No, but I have four children.” The rabbi offers.
The priest informs me that he was an army chaplain who served in Afghanistan.
Has he seen a vagina before, or will my who-ha would be his first?
Everyone is looking at me in shock, and the priest is a deep red. Oops. I guess I spoke out loud.
Jack pats my shoulder.
“Don’t touch me.” I grab his tie and pull him towards me. “This is all your fault. I hate you!”
The pain is so bad, I want to cry.
I take pleasure in the fact Jack is turning blue.
The rabbi tries to pry my hands away. “It’s normal for women to say things they don’t mean during labor. Your rash words can’t be taken back”
“I mean it!”
“You love your husband.”
“I do. Jack’s my boss. He insisted I attend this conference. If it wasn’t for him, I’d be enjoying an epidural!”
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